『personal』 THINGS I NEVER TALK ABOUT

I'm still alive and I still intend on blogging, even with my long long absence. I just didn't feel like writing at all and I still feel very uncreative. I'm just a lost cause when it comes to consistency. That's why I decided to write about something else than usual. I decided, as the title already says, to write about the things I never talk about. I guess, I have a lot of these bundled up and sometimes they just need to go. I'm the person who always is willing to listen to everyone and everything, but actually never talks about anything. So I'll try and let some things go now.

Things that might be contained:

• feelings
• personal opinions
• me too
• just life in general

So what exactly do I mean with the whole topic? Just talking about feelings and life in general I think. I'm so used to just keeping to myself and to never really say anything to anyone, because I always feel like no one is interested and if so I would be a burden (when it comes to personal stuff). I can't claim to having any mental illnesses, I'm just not a very talkative person when it comes to my personal feelings. 

I kind of hate talking in general. I can do my share of fangirling over books, music, concerts or anything other trivial not very "important" stuff. I always kept to myself and I never had the need to fully go outside my comfort zone and actually say something. Anything.

Not meeting society's expectations

I have a lot of opinions and every time I actually said something I was either judged or screamed at, yelled at or acted at as I was totally absurd for thinking differently, so that I just gave up voicing my opinions and reasons behind them. 

I felt that way in school, even writing essays or discussions in school. I always tended to take a different route at looking at thinks, always way outside the box as everyone else. I often got weird marks or as I like to think unfair marks for thinking differently, even with an explanation behind it. Sure not with everyone, but it stuck with me. Even in art lessons, when I actually tried something in a different approach it was just "wrong" in their eyes. 

I often felt like only because I decided to not act like everyone else, to not look like everyone else, to just not be everyone else combined with my hardcore shyness and kind of social anxiety (every time I read descriptions of it I know exactly what it means, because I always felt that way. But tend to not put a label on myself.), I was overly judged and just pushed into a box labeled "weird".

Even my mother once told me, if I dress so "flashy" and dye my hair it means I want all the attention and that I have to be more loud and speak with people. Never got that concept. 

The only thing I ever wanted was to be myself the way I wanted to be, to wear what I want, to dye my hair the colour I want and to wear make up the way I want. Nothing else. I am not satanic, I am not evil! Only because I wear a lot of black clothes doesn't mean I'm going to murder your children. It's the way I feel most comfortable in. I hate society for judging people by the clothes they wear, the way their hair looks or what ever there is to be judged by. 

One even gets judged for their eating choices. Only because I decided about fifteen years ago to never eat any animal again, doesn't mean I am weird. It actually means I value live.  Only because I cut out most diary products over the years went fully cruelty free in all cosmetics, doesn't mean I am exaggerating or I am an extremist/ fanatic in what I do. The worst is, when you still get judged that way by your family after all those years, even though they claim to be so open and accepting. Even when I try to use as less plastic as possible or in general to produce less garbage and to not throw away any food I get an eye-roll. I don't really understand what's wrong with society to be like that. Mostly I just try to ignore it.

I cloud go on and on about it, but it usually doesn't help anything because humanity seems to be resistant against learning.

What else to say...

I never really felt good in this society and even though I have a loving family, they just don't see things the way I see. Not that it's a bad thing, but things like making fun of things that aren't funny but a real problem (my sister once said her flip flops were made by small children hands, she meant it as a joke but this is just not funny!) or still judging me or others for their lifestyle. Not every time, but sometimes when I feel the need to point out that something is not cruelty free or that as long as I don't know if there is gelatine in it I won't eat it, I get judged. It's so frustrating!

Same with dressing in Lolita. Only because I doesn't wear it on a daily basis doesn't mean it's a costume. It's like getting all pretty and dressy for a family party. IT IS NO COSTUME!

Things like that really annoy me a lot, but I still try to live with them.

Also for the most parts of my school years I got laughed at, bullied for being different, for liking to read, for not talking much... (maybe not that obvious, but still...), I always had one or two friends, but never THE friend (I have them now though). Never felt in anyway I would fit in. For a short time I actually tried to adjust my way to dress to fit in, dyed my hair as close to my natural colour as possible, but it made everything worst for me. That was the time I felt really uncomfortable with myself. Ever since I decided to never do that again. When I can't have the hair colour I want I at least can dress the way I want. It's still so weird that one get weird looks with colourful hair, even when you life in a big city. It's so common but still so different from society's expectations. 

Remember "me too"?

Despite the things I already talked about, it even happened to me. I would actually say it happened/ happens to any person at some point, no matter in which small circumstances.

• I got cat called.
• I still get cat called.
• I got my photo taken without permission.
• I got touched without my permission.
• I got rubbed at, obviously without my permission.
• I got stupid comments about "getting breasts". (In school, well I was 10 or 11 when all of that woman stuff started)
• I got called aside in sports class, so the teacher (male) could tell me I couldn't wear a tank top in class. I was in fifth or sixth grade in elementary school.

1. Wearing short skirts, dresses or pants doesn't give you the right to comment on that. You are not cool and sexy when you do that!
2. Never take photos of anyone without permission, even when they dress differently or are in costume. This is not for your entertainment but for that persons own fun/ wellbeing.
3. Never touch someone without their permission. Even when you feel drawn to them. If there is any indication of that person not liking it, even when that person doesn't voice it. STOP! 
4. Never comment on the looks of any person ever. You might give a nice comment if you like something about a person, but never judge anyone for their looks, body or what ever.
5. To be honest I don't know what to say to the last point, other than NEVER SEXUALISE CHILDREN! Like I was a child wearing a tank top for sports class, what's wrong with that?

The End

I could list more things for the society's expectations part but I am just sick and tired of it. I really hope that there are other people out there who know how to be a decent human being and not being judgemental all the time or at best never!

There are so many people suffering these days, no matter how small it might seem to others. Suffering is still suffering and you don't get to decided if it's right.

So many people escaping into art or music, because they don't know how to express themselves in other ways. Daydreaming, developing mental illnesses, self harming.

Did I think about hurting myself?
More than once.
Did I do it?
I'm glad I didn't do it.
Do I have my dark days?
I do. Some days darker than others.

To all of you out there: 

Please stay safe.
Please word your fears, your opinions, your problems.
Please say NO if you don't like something, if you don't agree.
Discuss to no end. Give explanations, opinions, solutions. 

Make the world a better place.